SPIDER Fest – Revolution Calling

SPIDER Fest – Revolution Calling

Back in 2008, I was incarcerated at a black ops site, after revealing the truth about Spider, the revolutionary boogie band from Liverpool. It took a long time, but the drugs have worn off, and I’ve rescued some of the text from that document.

The story of Spider is a story of alien lizard conspiracies and establishment cover ups more than worthy of a David Icke expose. Only by typing the words – spider fest boogie (no quotes) – into Google can you uncover the awful truth behind their brutal treatment. Read it, but be warned. Even as I type these words from a secret attic location I can hear a helicopter swooping by, using the latest thermotyping computer equipment to try and identify my location.

SPIDER Fest – Revolution Calling
The one you’ve been waiting for – the TRUTH that the STATUS QUO have hidden away for so long, the battle of the BOOGIE, the REVOLUTION that nearly changed this country for Ever.

A long, long time ago, in a distant land, the world was ruled by the Kings ov BOOGIE. With their flowing manes, tight trouser, sneakers and 50% moustaches, they loomed over the times known as the seventies like leviathans. But power had corrupted and weakened them, so although they were still worshipped, rumblings of discontent were beginning to surface against the STATUS QUO, who held the secret of the BOOGIE close to their manly, bedenimed chests.

Chief amongst the rabblerousers were a band of Scouse urchins who went by the name of SPIDER. They had worshipped at the altar of the QUO, but lamented the passing of the John ‘Coggin The Cog’ Coughlan, and rejected his replacement Pete ‘Pete’ Kirchner. They repudiated the Sacrament of the Holy Big Fat Mama, and decided to take the BOOGIE back to the people, stirring their loins with three bars and many, many apostrophes.

They did not let lack of talent hinder them, or the fact that only 25% of them could grow a moustache, a source of eternal shame in Liverpudlia. They had a MISSION to BOOGIE. And BOOGIE they did paying no regard to Paul Suter of Sounds who wrote in 1980; “SPIDER are four guys from Merseyside who stand as much chance of superstardom as my grandmother does. . .and she’s dead.”

Instead, they operated in guerrilla style, roaming the country with whoever would have them (see Gillan tour dates – we had proper tours in them daze) and orchestrated attempts to misspell their name. After a few indie releases, they infiltrated the mainstream when RCA records signed them, and unveiled their first major MANIFESTO statement – “Talkin’ ‘Bout Rock’n’Roll”.

For a time the MAN quaked at their reckless use of apostrophes, but despite their cadre of followers secreted in places like Chorley Joiners Arms, Ashton Under Lyne Spread Eagle, Macclesfield Birds Head and the Greenwich White Swan, it wasn’t enough to bring the QUO crashing down.

Despairing at the resilience of the man, they came back strongly, merging the anarcho politics of Crass and the left wing radicalism of the Levellers into a second MANIFESTO – “Why D’Ya Lie To Me”, a lament against the coalition between the STATUS QUO and Maggie ‘The Thatch’ Thatcher. Tragically for the SPIDER, the great apostrophe famine of ’83 was in full swing, and their call to action fell on deaf ears, as the downtrodden masses of the Matlock Northwood Club, Margate Ship Inn, and Gravesend Red Lion fought in the streets over discarded semi colons to feed their families.

Check back soon for Part 2 when SPIDER launch their radical manifesto of a new art movement for social change.

SPIDER Fest II – From Socialism to Nu-Spider
Despite the sleep deprivation caused by my relentless pursuit of the gods RAWK and ROLL at Castle Donington, watching MOTORHEAD, JUDAS PRIEST and KISS, back to back, there has been a deluge of demands (well, Wagonwheel) for a new installment here at GHMI.

After the failure of their attempted sovietisation of the collective BOOGIE, the loveable Scousers SPIDER had to rethink their strategy. Amazingly, this involved getting a second major record deal, moving from RCA to A&M, toughening up their sound and unleashing their ultimate BOOGIE anthem “Here We Go Rock’n’Roll“!

But if they thought restoring the words rock and roll to their BOOGIE would bring about the collapse of Thatcherism, yet again they were to be proven sadly wrong. Their dismay at the inability of the Great British public to recognise the power of collective BOOGIE and how by doing so they could transform the inherent nation of the monarchist nation state into a forward looking sociodynamic theocracy of BOOGIE believers caused massive internal dissent.

And so it was that SPIDER managed to get a THIRD major record deal, this time with PRT. But gone was the youthful idealism. A late night putsch saw the death of the old SPIDER and the arrival of Nu-SPIDER with a mantra called “Gimme Gimme It All“, a love song to the brilliant mind and physical beauty of Maggie “The Thatch” Thatcher. Their old fans were alienated and the new audience they were seeking stayed true to their Spandau Ballet loving roots, no doubt helped by their firm belief that everything from Liverpudlia is pure evil. And a desire to hold on to their hubcaps. The SPIDER dream was dead. Hope was swept from the land, and Great Britain was plunged into a wintry BOOGIE free epoch we’re still living through.

The members of SPIDER dispersed far and wide;
Drummer Rob E Burrows decided to stick with politics and try to forge a career elsewhere. He failed and became leader of the Conservative Party.
Bassist Brian Burrows managed to turn his perverse hobby of animal sodomy into a paying career in entertainment. Using the stage name Bob Carolgees he became a mainstay on childrens TV fisting a small terrier called Spit.

Lead guitarist Sniffa also stuck to the world of entertainment, and as draq queen Lily Savage ended up with a daytime TV show, and was honoured in this years Queens Birthday Honours list. Arise, Sir Sniffa.

Singing guitarist Col Harkness moved to America to pursue his musical dreams. One day he went into the wrong audition room and ended up playing the role of David St Hubbins in the movie Spinal Tap. Not the sharpest tool in the box, he didn’t know he’d went to the wrong place and believed he was playing in a real band. To this day, no-one has had the heart to tell him. [Ed: he has, sadly, passed away, in a bizarre gardening accident.]