A long, long time ago, in a distant land, the world was ruled by the Kings ov BOOGIE. With their flowing manes, tight trouser, sneakers and 50% moustaches, they loomed over the times known as the seventies like leviathans. But power had corrupted and weakened them, so although they were still worshipped, rumblings of discontent were beginning to surface against the STATUS QUO, who held the secret of the BOOGIEclose to their manly, bedenimed chests.Chief amongst the rabblerousers were a band of Scouse urchins who went by the name of SPIDER. They had worshipped at the altar of the QUO, but lamented the passing of the John ‘Coggin The Cog’ Coughlan, and rejected his replacement Pete ‘Pete’ Kirchner. They repudiated the Sacrament of the Holy Big Fat Mama, and decided to take the BOOGIE back to the people, stirring their loins with three bars and many, many apostrophes.They did not let lack of talent hinder them, or the fact that only 25% of them could grow a moustache, a source of eternal shame in Liverpudlia. They had a MISSION to BOOGIE. And BOOGIE they did paying no regard to Paul Suter of Sounds who wrote in 1980; “SPIDER are four guys from Merseyside who stand as much chance of superstardom as my grandmother does. . .and she’s dead.”
Instead, they operated in guerilla style, roaming the country with whoever would have them (see Gillan tour dates – we had proper tours in them daze) below. After a few indie releases, they infiltrated the mainstream when RCA records signed them, and unveiled their first major MANIFESTO statement – “Talkin’ ‘Bout Rock’n’Roll”. For a time the MAN quaked at their reckless use of apostrophes, but despite their cadre of followers secreted in places like Chorley Joiners Arms, Ashton Under Lyne Spread Eagle, Macclesfield Birds Head and the Greenwich White Swan, it wasn’t enough to bring the QUO crashing down.
Despairing at the resilience of the man, they came back strongly, merging the anarcho politics of Crass and the left wing radicalism of the Levellers into a second MANIFESTO – “Why D’Ya Lie To Me”, a lament against the coalition between the STATUS QUO and Maggie ‘The Thatch’ Thatcher. Tragically for the SPIDER, the great apostrophe famine of ’83 was in full swing, and their call to action fell on deaf ears, as the downtrodden masses of the Matlock Northwood Club, Margate Ship Inn, and Gravesend Red Lion fought in the streets over discarded semi colons to feed their families.
Check back soon for Part 2 when SPIDER launch their radical manifesto of a new art movement for social change.
Buy “Rock ‘n’ Roll Gypos” from Amazon
Spider on the Oxford Road Show, 1983
The Rocker - The Artist Formerly Known As Zeitgeist. TAFKAZ 
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